Wednesday, January 11, 2012

5 Things Not to Do on the Subway

1) Do not pee in the subway car. In fact, it is best if you do not urinate anywhere in public. But subway cars are particularly smothering, so this is particularly cruel.

2) Do not get into domestic disputes in the subway car. This is awkward. And I’m not talking about a little tiff. I’m simply asking you refrain from shouting, scratching, or yanking hair. It makes for a stressful journey home.

3) Do not pop your gum incessantly in the subway car.  Or ever.

4) Do not think we want to hear your music in the subway car. Headphones were invented for a reason. Please invest in some. Once you have bought said headphones, do try to remember that when you sing loudly we can still hear you (even though, oddly enough, you can’t hear yourself). And we don’t really like it.

5) Do not think too much about the subway car. “I’m squished.” “That person is touching me.” “Who was sitting here last?” “Why is the train not moving?” No, no, no. Do not ponder such grievances when commuting. Your wondering thoughts will inevitably become catalysts for a mental breakdown, or possibly lead to a cause of arrest.

Click here for a visual example of what happens when

Elaine from Seinfeld experiences emotions any New Yorker on a crowed train understands. 



Whats The Dilly? said...

hahahahe exactly how i feel on the train. im telling so time its better to take a taxi

Mom said...

Ha Ha, funny blog!!!! I can hear your frustration with your commuters, especially with the gum!!!! :) Love, mom

Anonymous said...

Classic pic - love and miss Seinfeld!!!

Chris Floyd said...

So help me.....if I get on the train this weekend (after taking the NJ train from Secaucus Junction to Penn Station) and I hear the SLIGHTEST sound of gum will see in the Sunday Times the following : "Man Goes Redneck on Subway. Blames It On The Juicy Fruit" LOL!!! :-)

britney fitzgerald said...

hahahaha @chris: YES. That is EXACTLY how I feel about it. Are you coming to the city?? Enjoy it! Hasn't been snowy at all :)

Anonymous said...

This is brilliant. I love the person awkwardly singing off key to whatever's on their ipod. Wait, did I say love? I meant loathe with a fiery passion. And you're right: NEVER overthink on the subway. "Wait...what is all this weird crusty brown stuff on the seat next to me?" -- no, no! This will never do. If pondered for a moment longer it will likely result in vomiting. Best to totally ignore it. Mind over matter, right?

Anonymous said...

1) is playing a duduk or other musical instrument on a subway train acceptable?
2) you call that picture crowded? that's nothing compared to how packed marshutkas can get!
3) so, are we going to meet up tomorrow night as we had previously talked about? did you get my message i sent you earlier tonight? call me back. If you do not know who sent you this comment, check your voicemail. (I will probably not be able to check my emails or facebook between now and then, so send me a text or call me).
4) thanks.