1) Do not pee in the subway car. In fact, it is best if you do not urinate anywhere in public. But subway cars are particularly smothering, so this is particularly cruel.
2) Do not get into domestic disputes in the subway car. This is awkward. And I’m not talking about a little tiff. I’m simply asking you refrain from shouting, scratching, or yanking hair. It makes for a stressful journey home.
3) Do not pop your gum incessantly in the subway car. Or ever.
4) Do not think we want to hear your music in the subway car. Headphones were invented for a reason. Please invest in some. Once you have bought said headphones, do try to remember that when you sing loudly we can still hear you (even though, oddly enough, you can’t hear yourself). And we don’t really like it.
5) Do not think too much about the subway car. “I’m squished.” “That person is touching me.” “Who was sitting here last?” “Why is the train not moving?” No, no, no. Do not ponder such grievances when commuting. Your wondering thoughts will inevitably become catalysts for a mental breakdown, or possibly lead to a cause of arrest.
Elaine from Seinfeld experiences emotions any New Yorker on a crowed train understands.